Monday, July 27, 2009

Princess Chelsea interviews Ed Pie

Chelsea: How does it feel to be Lil’ Chief's 3rd oldest artist?

Ed: Fucking hell.

Chelsea: That’s true. How old are you?

Ed: I’ll be 35 in August. At least I’m honest about my age. How old is JB these days?

Chelsea: He’d be really upset if I told that. All I can say is that he’s older than 25.

Ed: Ha. You wait till you’re 35 Chelsea – you’ll be all miserable and shit, hanging out drinking Sauvignon Blanc’s with your other miserable 35 year old girlfriends – wondering was happened to your dreams. Just kidding – don’t ever be miserable Chelsea, it’s depressing. I have episodes of depression, but I’m not a miserable person. Anyway, do I look like the oldest person on the label?

Chelsea: No Ed, you look fine, you look a bit like James Blunt. Anyway, didn't you say in the last interview that you were 37? Whatever. You’re also very creative – do you come from a creative family?

Ed: I sound like James Blunt too. Yes, my family was very creative actually. My dad was very creative when coming up with racist names for brown skinned people. He was also very creative at the T.A.B, he could choose all kinds of horses to put bets on. He was also very creative with his chosen method of self-inflicted death.

Chelsea: Shit, sorry Ed.

Ed: It’s fine; I’ve got a great shrink at the moment. He’s says it’s ok for me to laugh about my Father’s death. Everyone has terrible things that have happened in their lives, if we can’t make gags about them, then there’d be nothing to laugh about.

Chelsea: Moving right along…what are you’re dreams and aspirations Ed? Have you achieved everything you want in your music?

Ed: Man, what is this interview? I’m not dying or anything!

Chelsea: Of course not (perish the thought) but what is there left that you want to do musically?

Ed: Well it’s unlikely that I’ve got many good songs left in me. Songwriters tend to peak in their mid-twenties anyway. My engineering and producing is getting better – but I’m probably just imagining that. My singing voice isn’t improving. I’m still pretty uncomfortable on stage. I’ve ‘outed’ some of my personal politics on the Pie Warmer album – whenever music artists do this there’s always some kind of backlash, so it’s doubtful whether that’s a good artistic path. I’ve always wanted to study medicine, but it’s a bit late for med school, and they don’t accept loonies anyway. I really love sailing. Maybe I’ll just get myself a little place by the sea and an old boat to fix up; like that Tim Robbins character in The Shawshank Redemption.

Chelsea: Ed you’re sounding kind of miserable?

Ed: Well I felt fine this morning.

Chelsea: You shouldn’t feel miserable Ed, you’ve just finished a fascinating new album. The album was reviewed in yesterdays Sunday Start Times – Grant Smithies awarded it 4 stars. Are you ok with 4 stars?

Ed: I’m pretty sure Grant operates the 4 out of 4 star system. Either that, or he sensibly leaves an extra star up his sleeve for proper overseas reissues like Jimi Hendrix, or The Smiths. Do you think Morrissey likes Hendrix? he must eh. Anyway, do albums get called ‘fascinating’? Isn’t that a word you’d use to describe an autobiography? Or some crazy statistics about how horny and perverted Christians really are?

Chelsea: I guess so. I think you’ll find that people will have trouble with defining the Pie Warmer album. They won’t really know what to say about it, in case they say the wrong thing. I could be wrong, but it appears that you’ve set up a series of ‘traps’ in the album whereby if a reviewer hadn’t listened to the album carefully, they may find themselves saying something really idiotic about it.

Ed: Mmm, fascinating. I think maybe you’ve listened to the album a bit too ‘carefully’. However, if I have inadvertently set a series of ‘traps’ to make album reviewers look idiotic, it may well be the best (and critically least sucessful) thing I’ve ever made! Seems kind of unlikely though…

Chelsea: Time will tell. Have you done any other press so far?

Ed: Bits and pieces. God, I’m getting paranoid now...

Chelsea: Don’t worry, and it’s ok to be paranoid, just don’t be miserable, right?

Ed: I’ve just put the album on.

Chelsea: Ok, cool. Maybe you can give us a blow by blow while you’re listening to it?

Ed: A what? Alright.

Chelsea: So you’re on the first track, The Fearsome Feeling right?

Ed: Yup, it’s 1 minute in.

Chelsea: There’s a bit of paranoia going on in that song?

Ed: Yeh, well love is scary shit.

Chelsea: Do you think that recreating a woman being attacked is an appropriate way to frame the fear that encompasses love?

Ed: Hey, a guy gets attacked later in the song as well. Fear in love knows no gender boundaries.

Chelsea: I see.

Ed: I’ve taken the album off, I don’t really want to listen to it.

Chelsea: That’s not a very good advertisement for the album Ed?

Ed: No, I guess it isn’t. I think a good many people might be doing the same thing when they get the album!

Chelsea: Fingers crossed Ed!

Ed: I just hope my album is cool enough.

Chelsea: Do you think it's important for albums to be cool?

Ed: Well, I was reading the NZ Musician magazine the other day, and there was a feature article on some retarded band. In the article they were dribbling on about how they weren't trying to be cool, and how making pop music wasn't about being cool. And I started thinking: are you sure you guys have chosen the right profession? I mean, in my estimation, pop music has everything to do with being cool. Whether being cool means 'x factor cool' like Michael Jackson, or 'so uncool they're cool' like The Carpenters. I was thinking, if these guys think pop coolness is unimportant, maybe they should give up music and become Physiotherapists or something? Pop music has everything to do with being cool. Whether pop music SHOULD be this way is an entirely different question - you're fighting millions of years of human evolution; Ug the caveman thinks Og the caveman's club is cool because it's swamp green and it's got sharp spikes and a cool blood splatter on it.

Chelsea: So where do you put yourself on this coolness scale Ed: Michael Jackson, or Richard Carpenter?

Ed: Sadly I fear that I fall in the no-mans-land in the middle somewhere - just like most pop musicians out there. Pop music is defiantly a young persons game, and it’s a testament to my unwavering delusions that I still even release material! I think my future might be in Children’s music.

Chelsea: What, children’s music filled with obscenities?

Ed: Ahhh, possibly. My youngest son Jim Jupiter (he prefers to be known as Tom) has started saying ‘fucking ho’ all the time – we’re actively trying to discourage him from doing this, he’s only just turned five. He’s really into Linkin Park – I’m hoping it’s just a phase. I reckon he’ll be over it by the time he’s six. Most kids stop listening to Linkin Park by the time they’re six, don’t they??

Chelsea: Yeh, actually most smart kids get over Linkin Park by the time they’re 3 or 4.

Ed: Shit, do you think Jim’s got some developmental issues?

Chelsea: Nothing to worry about - girls generally mature a bit faster than boys. By the time girls are five, they’re usually finished with Linkin Park and on to Slipknot, or even Metallica’s back catalogue.

Ed: Do you think I should get Jim a Slipknot album?

Chelsea: No. Don’t get him any Gangsta Rap either. It sounds like his mouth already needs to be washed out with soap! Chelsea: No Slipknot Sux - they’re from Iowa. I'd suggest that if you were going to buy him an obscene album that you would better off going for some early Wu-Tang Clan or Dr Dre so as to broaden his cultural horizons while also broadening his x rated vocabulary. Also I felt I should drop that in in case any overly PC (excuse the pun) people reading this interview think we are racist. On a different note - you'd be better off still washing his mouth out with soap.

Ed: You don’t hear that expression very often any more.

Chelsea: Oh, I think you’ll be hearing that a bit more often, especially in reviews of the Pie Warmer album

Ed: That’s a great idea for a press album photo – me washing my mouth out with soap!

Chelsea: Ewww, would you use real soap?

Ed: I guess so. I’d have to find some nice hippy soap made from oatmeal and mango or something. Are we finished yet?

Chelsea: Yes. Well done Ed, I look forward to the soap photo!

Ed: Thanks.

Chelsea: What are you watching on Youtube?

Ed: Everybody has probably seen this already. I think the song and the production is incredible. The video is amazing too – don’t be fooled by the title!

Ed: And every man and his dog has seen this too. The creators of this deserve a Grammy!

Ed: My new favourite band. THE COMPLETE. Incompetent Texan Acid Improv – live on a PBS channel.